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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  October 20, 2017 11:35pm-12:34am EDT

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captioning sponsored by cbs stephen: oh. >> talk to me. >> stephen: here's the thing: if i'm honest with myself, i'm having a good time, but maybe it's time for changes. >> i could see that. maybe a little pull back, lift back that, something under here, a little hair dye to cover the grey-- i use it. works great. and maybe, you know, get out of show business. >> stephen: thow
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people seem to like it. online i get likes from the tweets. >> i've seen the comments. that's called reverse trolling. >> stephen: i'm sorry? >> yeah, people gang up on somebody, give them a lot of confidence, say they're great, say how much they love them and try to make it sound sincere, like i did earlier. see you later. >> announcer: it's the "late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, trump's trumped up tax plan. plus, stephen welcomes: steve martin. mark feuerstein. and a performance by steve martin and the steep canyon rangers. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much! thanks, everybody! ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the "late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. now-- ( cheers and applause ) now, ladies and gentlemen-- folks, have you ever woken up and said to yourself first thing in the morning, "what can i do-- even in my own small way-- to make rich people richer?" ( laughter ) well, if the answer is i have never done that, then you did not write donald trump's tax plan. ( laughter ) yesterday in indiana, the president revealed the plan and made a solemn promise-- >> i am doing the right thing. and it's not good for me. believe me. >> stephen: i believe you. ( laughter ) doing the right thing never seems to be good for donald trump. "oh, what do people like? racial equality and football? how do i ruin both of those at once?"
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now, it looks like-- ( cheers and applause ) not sure what we're applauding for, but i'm all for it. and it looks like trump is-- how should i put this? uh, what's the word? lying. because, based on the last trump tax return that we know anything about, this plan "would have saved him $31 million in taxes." that's $31 million for himself. those are lotto numbers! i mean, that's not just powerball, that's "i'm in powerball." ( laughter ) even though the g.o.p. tax plan will benefit only the wealthy few, they're pitching it to the everybody else. see if you can guess-- it's subtle, but see if you can guess what group senate republicans are trying to court with this message from south carolina senator tim scott: >> i like to put it very simply. we want to help you hashtag "keep yo' money."
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>> stephen: yes. "keep yo' money," of course, was the catch phrase of the popular '90s show "yo! mtv tax." ( laughter ) it's not like senator scott is the only republican who could have delivered that message. they could have gone with the g.o.p.'s second most diverse senator, caucasian q. whitington iii. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) but they already have him promoting the bill's original hashtag: "#retainthyestate." ( laughter ) hey, does anybody remember how during the campaign, donald trump kept complaining about hillary clinton was using a private email server for government work? you guys remember that? >> jon: yeah, yeah. >> stephen: the lock her up, that lock her up stuff? yeah, well, this week, we learned that at least six of president trump's closest advisers used private email addresses to discuss white house matters, including ivanka trump, and jared kushner. but of course, donald trump has no problem with this, now. i have not seen trump go back on s
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didn't build a border wall or repeal obamacare or give up his business or release his tax returns or never play golf. ( laughter ) he is flip-flopping so often... ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) it's nice to have some donald trump fans here tonight. >> jon: they love him. >> stephen: he's flip-flopping so often, next sunday he's going to take a knee during the national anthem. ( laughter ) and-- ( applause ) ( piano riff ) yeah. and this private email thing could have legal ramifications because jared kushner didn't disclose the fact that he was using personal email to the senate intelligence committee. i get it. you want to save some things for the trial, just to keep it spicy. ( laughter ) and, apparently, the committee is not pleased. they sent kushner a letter, instructing him to turn over all relevant documents from his personal email account, as well as all other email accounts.
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bold and underlined. yeah. oh, yeah. yeah. they're whipping out the font on this guy. ( laughter ) you bold and underlined. you only get results with the rough stuff. i hear down in gitmo, they use italics. ( laughter ) >> jon: woo! >> stephen: yeah. even worse for jared, when his lawyer attempted to forward him the committee's letter, he accidentally sent it to a fake kushner account run by a prankster. ( laughter ) and that prankster is now in charge of the opioid crisis and middle east peace. ( laughter ) >> jon: oh, my goodness. >> stephen: now-- oh, there's big news out of the tweet-o- sphere right now because of this, did you hear this? "twitter just doubled the character limit for tweets to 280." ( audience reacts ) yeah, 280. they have to because, as shakespeare so famously said, "brevity is the soul of wit, but i got all these extra characters to fill! blah, blah, blah, blah. hashtag i'm really christopher marlowe." ( laughter ) ( piano riff )
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and, like everything else in the world, this is about money. see, twitter's been around for 11 years, but the company has never turned a profit. but now that is all fixed. because, think about it, if 140 characters earned you zero dollars, then 280 characters will double that! ( laughter ) that's just math. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: but here's the thing: twitter is doing a slow rollout of this new increased character limit with a select group of users, and donald trump isn't in the test group. ( laughter ) oh! oh, no! >> jon: he's on there all the time! ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: that is a huge dis! >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: i mean, that's our foreign policy! >> jon: that's the whole thing. >> stephen: twitter is his whole thing. trump and twitter go together like nazis and tiki torches. ( laughter ) i personally think it's for the best. if trump had moran
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characters, he could fit his whole message into one tweet, and then i personally would miss the "dot, dot, dot; dot, dot, dot, dot, dot." those are the only parts of his tweets that aren't lies. ( laughter ) but, there's a lot-- ( applause ) lies. lies! ( piano riff ) >> jon: yes. >> stephen: but there's a lot on the president's plate right now. let's see, what is he thinking about? working on his new tax plan, the crisis in puerto rico, the threat of nuclear war with north korea-- which is why he's staying focused on football. evidently, earlier this week, trump called dallas cowboys owner, jerry jones, four times in one day to talk about anthem stuff. "hey, jerry, it's don again. so what do you really think about the flag kneeling? oh, john kelly just walked in.
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that's-- ( laughter ) that is my final offer, take it or leave it. aloha! ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) i'm sorry about that. i had to read him the riot act." trump has called on the owners to fire players that protest, and he explained why that might be harder than you think. >> i have so many friends that are owners, and they are in a box. i mean, i have spoken to a couple of them. they say, "we are in a situation where we have to do something." i think they're afraid of their players, you want to know the truth. >> stephen: yes, n.f.l. owners are afraid of their players. need proof? look at these owners. he is terrified. ( laughter ) the guy to the left of him has got gloves; he's going to strangle him. and look, this guy's praying for his life! ( laughter ) just about everyone you can think of is weighing in on the n.f.l. debate, and, yesterday, someone you would never think of did as well: '90s action star
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and jean-claude van damme's waterbed, steven seagal. ( laughter ) seagal showed up on a british morning talk show to discuss the matter. >> i believe that everyone's entitled to their own opinion, but i don't agree that they should hold the united states of america or the world hostage by taking a venue where people are tuning in to watch a football game and, you know, imposing their political views. i respect the american flag, and i myself have risked my life countless times for the american flag. >> stephen: yes! "risked his life countless times for the american flag." and sure, none of that was real. ( laughter ) but then again, neither is his hair. ( laughter ) you know, i think there's more steven seagal could have said on this issue, and i intend to do it, right now. >> jon: woo! get it together.
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oh, snap! oh, wow! ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: these football players have the fans "under siege." they may think they're "above the law," but they may soon find themselves "on deadly ground." ( laughter ) they'll find most americans are "out for justice," because they're-- ( laughter ) no! because they're feeling "under siege 2," the sequel. ( laughter ) and if these protesters don't like this country, they can feel free to challenge me to "mortal kombat." wait, was i in that? find out if i'm in that. one thing's for sure, you mess with steven seagal, you're not only going straight to hell, you're going straight to dvd. ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight. ( cheers and applause ) steve martin is here.
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human! louis cato on the guitar! give it up for the band, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) jon-- >> jon: yes! >> stephen: --jon, you know what's got me excited is that we have the book here. >> jon: uh-huh. >> stephen: we have a gentleman who brought a copy of the book with him, "stephen colbert's midnight confessions." and i'd like to tell that man
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right there, you and everybody watching that i'm proud to say the "midnight confessions," we just found out, is now a "new york times" number one best seller. ( cheers and applause ) that's it. >> jon: there we are. >> stephen: there it is, man. you put it out. you put it out there. somebody's going to put it in there, and we did it. and i just have one quick confession: that is not true. i have no idea how many people have bought it, but i hope a lot of people do, because it's a good book. it's a good book. >> jon: yeah, it's a good book! >> stephen: and it was a good feeling when i said we did that and that's the world i want to live in, okay. >> jon: yeah, yeah. >> stephen: i do have one other confession here, is that i also have an ice cream, called stephen colbert's americone dream. if you haven't tasted it, you have to check this thing out. and i'll tell you wy-- ( cheers and applause ) besides the fact you can never have too much dairy, is the fact that all the money i receive from this goes to charity, the
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usually give away at the end of the year. the staff here all get together, we figure out where it goes to. it's a really fun night when we announce that. but here's the thing: last night, nick kroll was on, promoting his new show "big mouth" which is about puberty, and he was asking celebrities ot there to tweet awkward photos of themselves when they were teens with the hashtag #puberme. now, i wanted to start, but i don't have any awkward photos of my teenage years, so instead i tweeted this suave guy right there. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. that's me when i was 13. "hey, ladies, who wants to hear me recite from the 'silmarillion?'" ( laughter ) then, and this is absolutely true, right in the moment when we were talking about it, i thought, as long as we're doing this hashtag, why not do some good here as well? so, right on the spur-of-the- moment, i said, hey, i'm going to challenge celebrities out there.
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if you put out a photo of yourself at a very awkward pubescent age, with the hashtag #puberme, and the hashtag #puertoricorelief, i will make sure that the colbert americone dream fund will give money for every tweet to puerto rico relief. now-- ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: have a little fun. yeah. >> stephen: here's the thing, it was honestly a spur-of-the- moment idea, and i had no idea how much money we had to give. so that's why, before we broadcast last night, we actually lifted part of the interview out until i checked on the balance of the ice cream account. now that we've checked on it, i want to show you the part of the interview with nick we lifted, because i asked nick to name how much i would donate per tweet of
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said. how much money should go to each celebrity who does this? >> i have no idea how much money-- a thousand dollars. >> stephen: jesus! ( laughter ) well, i talked to jesus and he's in. ( cheers and applause ) so, i am happy to announce-- he's very generous. ( piano riff ) i'm happy to announce that for every celebrity-- and again, i get to determine who's a celebrity-- ( laughter ) who posts their awkward teen photos with the hashtag "puberme," and hashtag "puerto- rico-relief," the americone dream fund will donate $1,000. to the "one america appeal." now, we've already got some great entries from colbert- verified celebs. this actually came through today. here is a puberty photo from sarah silverman, who at 13 was looking cooler during puberty than i do now. ( laughter ) the very talented aidy bryant sent this one.
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i believe this was the yearbook where she was voted "most likely to become a thoughtful squirrel." ( laughter ) here's-- here we go, here's "secret eats" adam richman at his bar mitzvah. before that ceremony, he was just a boy versus food. ( laughter ) here is-- oh, i love this one. this is kumail nanjiani preparing for what i assume was his backstreet boys audition. ( laughter ) there was the cute one, the bad boy, and then kumail was "the one who always carries dice." ( laughter ) and then there's the lovely and talented alison brie. this isn't a contest, but that is a winner. ( laughter ) that headgear alone puts her in the top 1% of awkward. ( laughter ) so we're already into the tens
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of thousands of dollars in here, which is fantastic. ( cheers and applause ) i want you celebrities to step up and tweet those photos with the hashtag "puberme" and hashtag "puertoricorelief." i want to see bowl cuts, i want to see brace faces, a constellation of acne across your t-zone. ( laughter ) and to make sure there's money enough in the fund, please go get more stephen colbert's americone dream ice cream. do your duty and eat the whole pint tonight. if you don't hate yourself in the morning, you're part of the problem. ( laughter ) we'll be right back with steve martin. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody! ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is a grammy-award winning banjo player. he's also done a bit of comedy work.
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> thank you! ♪ ♪ wow! ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much! thank you! yeah! >> stephen: thank you for that. >> that's what i was doing. >> stephen: i know. there's nothing like a butt shine on your desk. ( laughter ) nice to see you again. >> thanks very much. >> stephen: i've not seen you since you came on here with edie brickell to perform last time. >> well, you know what? >> stephen: what? >> that is exactly true. ( laughter ) the way you figured that out. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so what have you been up to? >> i have done so much-- i'm up to about 190. but, i-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay, good. >> yeah, but i have been doing so much. i have a new album.
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promotional spot. ( laughter ) i hate that. you know, when you've got a new album, oh-- stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: steve-- you know, i tell you something, thank you for showing this, this is my new album. i'm with the steep canyon rangers. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: sure. >> a band i've worked with for almost ten years. we've kind of grown together musically. and this is our second album together and that's why i wanted to feature them on the cover, and show them and then, you know, have a-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's awfully nice. >> and have a little picture of myself. >> stephen: that's very generous. >> yeah, thanks. >> stephen: was this the only album cover you guys worked on? >> no, but first of all, you have to understand, this is the c.d. the vinyl is-- (
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>> stephen: oh, wow. the fidelity must be amazing. >> unbelievable. >> stephen: how much information you can get in there. >> so-- where are you going with that? see, the title of the album is "the long-awaited album." >> stephen: it wasn't the only title you guys came up with. >> no, we had other titles and we did actually mock up album covers to see if the title would work. >> stephen: you've got to ,to see if it's good. >> i brought just a few to show you. >> stephen: there's another choice. >> yeah. "your dream come true." >> stephen: "your dream come true- more banjos." >> that's right. >> stephen: do you want to read the titles or should i read the titles? >> you read the titles because you're in comedy and i'm now in music. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah. well, we'll see. >> okay. yeah, hey, i have an idea. >> stephen: what? >> you read one, i'll read one. ( laughter ) >> stephen: all right, i'll try this one again then. >> okay. well, that's not fair to you, you have to do the same joke twice. >> stephen: "your dream come true- more banjos!" ( cheers and applause ) >> okay.
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( applause ) >> stephen: "live outside carnegie hall!" that's good. ( applause ) >> you did good on that one. >> stephen: yeah. and this is my favorite. >> "as white as you remember." ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( piano riff ) you know how your sit-- your suit fits you when you stand up? >> stephen: yes. >> but when you sit down, it no longer fits you? >> stephen: yes. >> the sleeves are too short, legs are short. >> stephen: a little tight in the crotch. >> well, no. >> stephen: no? not with me, no. ( laughter ) >> stephen: plenty of room? >> i don't know what that means. >> stephen: i do. one of the reasons i had you on, not to put you on the spot, but you're one of my comedy models, my comedy heroes. >> thank you. >> stephen: i don't think i could have done that crazy high- status idiot character i did for ten yearth
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albums when i was younger. amazing influence. >> thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and, you know, jerry seinfeld's good, too, but he's not on 'til tomorrow. ( laughter ) >> yeah. by the way, jerry seinfeld is one of my heroes. he's like a retro-hero, like a guy who came up behind you and is better than you are. ( laughter ) i'm talking about you. ( laughter ) no, better than i am. i think he's fantastic. i love to listen to him. it's kind of-- he almost puts me at peace. i can just listen to him talk. i like it. >> stephen: yeah, i feel that way about jim gaffigan. ( laughter ) not a joke, it's true. ( laughter ) >> yeah, that's why they pre- tape these shows so you can cut that out. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah. i do this to my producer, if i want something to not be in the show, i just do this. if you watch the show that means
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just saw got cut out of the show. and also, i would like my producer to cut out that i just revealed that. ( laughter ) you're also, to use the fancy word, a polymath. you're a connoisseur of art, a playwright, you have a show on broadway in december. >> yes, i do. >> stephen: what's the show coming in november? >> the show is called "meteor shower." i have been working on it for the last two years, it was at the globe theatre, the long wharf theater in connecticut. and now i got a call about three weeks ago from the producer and he says, "steve, your show, the play you wrote is going on to broadway, starring amy schumer, keegan michael-key, lauren binante, and alan tudyk, and it is going to be directed by jerry zaks, multi-tony award winning director who did "hello dolly" with bette midler, on stage right now, and it's going to be at the-- what i think is one of the best theatres for comedy in
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new york, the booth theater. and i said to him, "you know what? i am way too high to deal with this right now." ( cheers and applause ) anyway, that's what's happening, yeah. >> stephen: wow. so what's it about? is it about a meteor shower? >> yes, it's about a couple who lives in ojai, california, sort of distant, inland a bit, and they host a meteor shower with another couple they don't know that well. >> stephen: like a meteor shower party? >> yeah, to watch meteors. two couples, four people, and then chaos ensues. >> stephen: we just had the eclipse this summer. did you go anyplace to see the eclipse? >> i am so bored with eclipses. ( laughter ) actually i saw a partial eclipse in new york city i can't remember how many, maybe 15 years ago. it was so beautiful. th i
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you know that thing instead of looking up, you look down and you see the shadows in the trees and they do something so strange. it was so beautiful. so all these people in new york on a beautiful day were looking down. >> stephen: that's a metaphor for-- ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) uh-huh. i also happen to know-- are you still doing on tour with martin short? >> with martin short. yes, that's my main job. >> stephen: really? ( cheers and applause ) >> i tell you one thing i love. >> stephen: yeah. >> about touring around with marty short. no paparazzi. ( laughter ) >> stephen: just left alone. >> my wife thought that marty and i were too close, but we resolved that, because we got one of those beds with the adjustable sleep numbers. ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay. so he's got his and-- >> yeah.
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what have you got? you going back in time? >> stephen: what good buddies you are. >> there you go. >> stephen: there you go. this is this summer, you and martin short. >> you know, we forgot where we were. ( laughter ) >> stephen: mm-hmm. so you said nicknames for each other? >> nicknames. i call him buddy. hey, buddy, have a good show tonight, buddy. >> stephen: what's he call you? >> spotlight ceiling time suck mood killer. ( laughter ) ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) >> stephen: almost like king tut. >> yeah. >> stephen: how is he as a kisser? does he have soft lips? >> we did that at the diane keaton a.f.i. tribute. >> stephen: don'
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>> i don't remember what the premise was. the premise was, "hey, i really like you!" >> stephen: exactly. ( laughter ) now, you met him when you were doing "three amigos" i imagine. >> "three amigos," yes. >> stephen: do you do films anymore? i miss steve martin on camera. >> i'm so interested in what i'm doing right now, besides no offers, but-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: really? >> no, i really like touring around, being live, which is strange. i can't even believe i'm saying that. >> stephen: why is it strange? you like a live audience, right? ( cheers and applause ) >> absolutely, this is great. i tell you what it was. when i was doing stand up-- jerry seinfeld is the opposite. he loves it and thinks its great. i was alone out there and thinking ahead and thinking, will that work? on to the next, what is the next thing, and now i have a partner, and we just laugh, we enjoy each other, we smile, we're happy offstage, on-stage, laughing,
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>> stephen: and if it doesn't work, it's his fault? >> exactly. >> stephen: now you have these partners. >> you like to reach down there. >> stephen: that's where things are. >> oh, i see. >> stephen: if i put them up there, it would take focus away from us talking. >> that's professional show business. >> stephen: this is where the money is. >> yeah. >> stephen: the money is right there. >> you know what i would like to do? put tinfoil on this and sit like this. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you could. >> get a little extra light. >> stephen: you could. what to you think about what we've done with the place. do you like the theater? >> i actually do. i think the graphic thing-- >> stephen: the stained glass. >> yes. and central park. >> stephen: from the top of the hotel next door, and it changes seasonally. videos. >> wow, the things they can do. >> stephen: yep. ( laughter ) well, are you touring now? >> are we done? >> stephen: no, we have time. we're never going to be done, steve. >> we kind of did this. >> stephen: no, but i was going s
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say you're going to do a song coming up. >> oh, i am. i am going to do a song. >> stephen: you are going to do a song coming up? >> yeah. ( cheers and applause ) yeah, with-- i must say, with the grammy award winning the steep canyon rangers, the band i've worked with all these years. >> stephen: so, stick around, because steve and the band, at the end of the show, will do a cut from "the long-awaited album," available now, steve martin and the steep canyon rangers. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> thank you. >> stephen: thanks, steve. we'll be right back with mark feuerstein. ♪i'm living that yacht life, life, life top speed fifty knots life on the caribbean seas it's a champagne and models potpourri on my yacht made of cuban mahogany, gany, gany, gany♪ ♪watch this don't get mad
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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, in the last year alone, you've seen my next guest in "royal pains," "prison break" and the new season of "wet hot american summer."
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he now stars in the cbs sitcom "9jkl," please welcome mark feuerstein! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ hey, good to see you! >> how are you? hey everybody! look at these people! thank you. ( cheers and applause ) i mean, they got up! >> stephen: they did! >> you didn't have to do that! thank you very much! >> stephen: when you come out here and do this, they kind of have to! >> thank you. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> you were so great at the emmy awards. >> stephen: oh, thanks very much. it was so fun! ( cheers and applause ) >> wasn't he fantastic? you introduced me and rashida jones. >> stephen: lovely young lady, talented, funny person to come out there with. >> i was honored to come out with her and hear my name said by you tonight and on that night. >> stephen: it was much more fun than i thought it would be since those things are usually such a drag if you lose. especially if you lose, like we
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won. >> stephen: thank you very much. i thought you should have won, too. both of us should have won. >> thank you. >> stephen: they'll all pay eventually. ( laughter ) now, listen, no pressure, but because he's coming out to do a song a little later, you are technically both following and opening for steve martin right now. >> i am the meat in a steve martin sandwich. >> stephen: i was telling him, kind of gushing on him earlier about how influential he is and how much i loved him, still do, but what a hero of mine he was, is he a hero of yours? >> i was such a huge fan of his. i wasn't a theatre kid, i didn't act throughout my childhood, when i started in college, but the one thing i did do was imitate the comedians that i loved. so we would be at dinner, my father was a lawyer and he would have clients, and at dinner he would say, mark, do eddie murphy, mark, do steve martin. my only experience of acting was imitating comedians. so i would dive into "wild and crazy guys," and they would come and say, "steve, how can you be such a swinging sex god?" ( laughter
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>> stephen: that was tipping you out to the clients. >> correct. he got a lot of business, everything worked out and everybody won. >> stephen: sure. you have been starring on tv 20 years, "caroline in the city," "west wing," "royal pains," "wet hot american summer." >> it's amazing, thank you. >> stephen: what do you think keeps the people coming back to mark feuerstein? what's the hook? >> i have no idea. who knows what the hook is? >> stephen: obviously the eye candy. >> thank you. the taking the shirt off. i have heard good positive things and negative things all along the way, but recently i've had to listen to them directly because we have this new show, "9jkl" that's coming on to cbs 8:30 monday nights, you're going to love it. i'm an executive producer, my wife and i created the show together. >> stephen: so you hear the notes directly? >> i actually have to go to something called "testing." have you heard of testing? >> stephen: i have been in a testing room once behind the mirror eating m&ms while i heard
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people say, "why does he have a job?" >> yes, i've gotten to listen to those same things. >> stephen: it's heartbreaking. >> many people liked it, but one person in the eight-american focus group, people who were in las vegas killing time before the mayweather fight-- >> stephen: why to they always do it in vegas? >> i don't know. because there is a lot of people walking around, i don't know. >> stephen: there are people in new york city. >> that's a fair point. maybe they're saving them from losing $50 in that hour on a slot machine. so they go in to this testing thing. they sit there and judge you and you have to sit there and watch them. and some people like it and some go, "eh, i don't know." >> stephen: anything personal about you that hurt your feelings? >> yes, sure. "i don't like him. he's not good." >> stephen: did you want to rush into the room? >> i want to break the mirror and say, "excuse me, buddy, this is my life on the line here!" >> stephen: and not only t
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a lot of this is based on your own life story. >> that's correct. i was here shooting "royal pains" for, like, eight years and my wife and kids are in l.a. so, to save money, i stayed in an apartment my parents own, which is next to the apartment i grew up in, that they live in. >> stephen: as an adult man. >> as an adult man. every morning i would wake up to my father coming in in his tighty whities going, mark, you want breakfast, eggs, french toast? at night, after a 15-hour day, i would come home trying to get into my apartment, like a gun slinger in a night gown, my mother would whip open the door and say, would you like to come in for a salad? i got black and white cookies. and i would sit with her for 45 minutes and hear about the day's events. >> stephen: because you're a good son. >> because i'm a good boy. so, anyway, for two years, my wife and brother and baby lived on the other side in 9l. >> stephen: get out! >> so for two years i was living between my parents and my
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and i told this to a producer and he said, that's a show! he was speaking like louie mayer. i don't know why, or why i did that voice. >> stephen: you were talking to a carnival barker from 1920. kid, you're what we call a natural! >> yeah. >> stephen: we have a clip here. can you tell us what's about to happen and why is this. >> yes, i'm on a date, my mother is ruining it. >> stephen: played by the lovely and talented-- >> by the amazing linda ladd. >> stephen: jim? >> so? >> so? ( doorbell ringing ) >> josh! ( laughter ) >> that's just my elderly neighbor, probably lost her teeth again. she'll find 'em. ( laughter ) ( doorbell ringing ) you know what? if we stay quiet, maybe she'll go away. >> oh! ( laughter ) what's going on? >> perhaps i don't quite understand your relationship with your neighbor.
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>> stephen: based on a true story. >> yes, it is. >> stephen: thanks and lovely to see you again. >> so great to see you, too. thank you. >> stephen: "9jkl" premieres monday 8:30 on cbs. mark feuerstein, everybody. stick around, because we have a performance coming up by steve martin and the steep canyon rangers. ♪ ♪ (speaking hindi) (speaking spanish) hraaerrr!!! wookiee? campbell's new star wars soups. made for real, real life. why? terrible toilet paper! i'll never get clean! way ahead of you. charmin ultra strong. it cleans better. it's four times stronger and you can use less. enjoy the go with charmin.
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ugh. being in the know is a good thing. sign up online for free. discover social security alerts. vowould be a disaster forion virginia families.e adams supports letting insurance companies
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rged thousands more. 685,000 virginians would lose their health care. and adams is against medicaid expansion - denying coverage to thousands of veterans, children and the disabled. john adams: higher costs, less coverage, hurting virginians. mark: i'm mark herring, candidate for attorney general, and i sponsored this ad. how's it going down there? that's good. lica misses you. i'm over it though. (laughter) that's fine. i miss her more than you anyway. ♪ ♪ hey, my window is closing. yeah that's okay. alright miles. i love you. (phone hangs up) ♪ ♪ yeah i love you too. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪♪ ♪ ♪
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school. i think it's time we mixed things up. ♪ oh yeah, in your face! and in conclusion, cats. four flavors, four shapes. cheetos xtra cheesy mixups. when i walked through a snowthat's when i knewtte, i had to quit. for real this time. that's why i'm using nicorette. only nicorette gum has patented dual-coated technology for great taste plus intense craving relief. every great why needs a great how. [ "america" by the 7-seater volkswagen atlas. life's as big as you make it.
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(crying and sighing) cnarrator: ed gillespie and i wants to endis ad. a woman's right to choose. ed giof a woman'sd put thpersonal decisions,rge not women and their doctors. as governor, ed gillespie says, i would like to see abortion be banned. if ed gillespie would like to see abortion banned, i would like to see i would like to see i would like to see that ed gillespie never becomes governor.
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intelligent technology can help protect it. the 2018 audi q5 is here. >> stephen: and now, performing "caroline," please welcome steve martin and the steep canyon rangers! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ can you tell me why you left me ♪ standing in the parking structure ♪ caroline, i was the almost perfect boyfriend, ever, for you ♪ and, you even said that to me one time at the olive garden ♪ please return my car and leave the keys inside ♪ the glove compartment ♪ caroline, caroline oh, caroline, oh, caroline ♪ oh, caroline, oh, caroline oh, ca-rol-ine ♪ caroline, you are the hardest
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thing i'll ever put behind me ♪ never thought you'd leave me stranded ♪ not a glance into the rearview ♪ i'll be looking for someone who ♪ wears their hair exactly like you ♪ and who swears a blue streak when the tarheels ♪ lose the quarterfinals ♪ caroline, caroline oh, caroline, oh, caroline ♪ oh, caroline, oh, caroline oh, ca-rol-ine ♪ if you ever find another ♪ please don't put a post on facebook ♪ i would rather think i was a deep regret you can't resolve ♪ if i have a drink with someone i will tell her all about you ♪ that will be the big mistake ♪ that i will make on my first date ♪ caroline, caroline oh, caroline, oh, caroline ♪ oh, caroline, oh, caroline oh, ca-rol-ine ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ yes, i know that we could not have lasted ♪ daily life can not be that intense ♪ i'll phone my friends and try to explain ♪ why this past year i have acted so insane! c
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oh, caroline, oh, caroline ♪ oh, caroline, oh, caroline oh, ca-rol-ine ♪ caroline, caroline oh, caroline, oh, caroline ♪ oh, caroline, oh, caroline oh, ca-rol-ine ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: "the long-awaited album" is out now! >> thank you. >> stephen: steve martin and the steep canyon rangers, everybody! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you so much.
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>> stephen: hey, that's it for the "late show," everybody. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the florks tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the "late, late show"


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